Over the last couple of posts, we have discussed what quiet anger is and how we got to where we are. Today, let’s chat about what we can do about it. Please note that this is not an exhaustive list. In order to fully benefit from overcoming quiet anger, seeking a professional (whom you can trust) to help you dig deep and make changes is recommended.
What I Can Do About It
Recognizing that your behavior is not getting you where or what you need is the first step to changing it. We cannot change something if we cannot own that it needs to be changed. My parents or spouse can tell me about it but if I do not believe or buy into the need for change, it will not happen. The old metaphor, “you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink” is oh so true!! Our ability, as humans, to stay stuck in self-denial is quite possibly one of the strongest factors on earth.
Let’s say that you do recognize this within yourself, and you wish to change. Then you may be wondering, “what’s the first step?”.
Steps I Can Take:
1. Recognize that what you are doing (your behavior) is directly connected to your thoughts and your feelings. The three go together like the 3 Stooges or a PBJ sandwich. You know that there are 3 distinctive ingredients, which makes the product amazing, but alone they are nothing.
2. Buy a journal. The correlation between writing things down on paper (Not Typing or Speaking) is developing a process to be able to understand the relation between these three (behaviors, thoughts, feelings). Scientists continue to discover the incredible benefit to journaling.
3. When you notice quiet anger showing up, journal out the three: What am I doing? What am I thinking? How am I feeling?
HINT: Making statements, “I feel like….” is actually a thought, not a feeling. To state a feeling, it needs to be a simple sentence. An example of that is, “I feel angry”. Then you can state the thoughts supporting that feeling.
4. Replace the negative and hurtful with the positive and helpful. Simply put, I can not change something within myself without having something to put in its place.
5. Relax!! Any change takes time. Research shows that 2 months is about the time we need to make changes that will last.
6. Don’t go it alone! We are most successful in life when we have a support team. Depending on how deep the changes are that need to be made, will determine those you ask to be in your support team. Maybe you just need your spouse. Maybe you need to add a friend or two. Or maybe you need to add a therapist to your group. Whomever you add to your group, you need to add those who will (A) challenge you when you feel tired and discouraged to press on, (B) will speak the truth in love (remember how you got here), and (C) remember that all training, is an opportunity to learn and mistakes are a part of the learning process.
Steps To Help Me Deal With Others
1. The most helpful thing you can do to deal with others who have quiet anger is to recognize that their anger is not about you. Don’t take it personally.
2. Establish healthy boundaries. Don’t allow others to walk over you. You are responsible to others and for yourself.
3. Be direct. Speak honestly, with compassion but also speak with confidence.
4. Take responsibility for what you are responsible for-not others.
5. Be empathetic and remember to calm down. Meeting a person’s quiet anger with anger will only escalate the situation. Take some deep breaths and don’t take the bait to respond to their anger with anger.
6. Actions speak louder than words. Wade through the mixed messages to be able to see what is happening. Then, you will start to see their true intentions.
