Last week, we discussed what quiet anger looks like. If you would like a refresher, you can read that post here.
Now that we have an idea of what quiet anger looks like and how it sabotages our relationships, let’s look at how we got here.
How We Got Here
Each of us have gone through a stage that was a normal part of turning from teens to adults. From about 13-15 years of age, we all go through a time in life where being passive-aggressive (or as we are referring to it in this blog post, quiet anger) is normal and only if it does not cause harm to another person. In years past, teens may have shown this by toilet-papering (or TPing) someone’s home, whereas today’s teens have kicked it up several notches by using drugs and/or becoming violent. These actions may sound extreme, however, anger that boils does not always boil up and out, but down and deep.
The basic questions that we begin asking during this time in life is, “who am I?” and “what can I become?”. As parents, our goal is to help train our kids, tweens, teens to maneuver through the confusion these questions ask. As that begins to happen, most will put away the quiet anger and begin to recognize that they are able to deal with their anger in better ways. They begin to learn that it is possible to be in conflict with others without losing their newly developed sense of self. In the book, The Five Love Languages of Children, the author, Dr. Gary Chapman states, “Passive-aggressive behavior is a primary cause of failure in college, problems at work, and conflict in marriage….because passive-aggressive behavior is the hidden source of most of life’s worst difficulties, we as parents must train our children and teens to manage anger appropriately. We can’t discipline it out of them” (italics mine). Instead, we need to show unconditional love and love them through this season of life. As Dr. Chapman goes on to say, “keeping their love tank full” is the most powerful way to deal with quiet anger.
Unfortunately for some, they were not guided through this and instead learned that the behaviors that come with quiet anger are actually useful. CS Lewis states, “we don’t do bad for bad’s sake”. Translated= The behaviors we have were not developed to do bad but because we consciously or subconsciously decided that we benefited from the behavior. In other words, the behavior got us what we thought we needed.
NEXT: What we can do to begin changing our passive-aggressive behaviors and how to handle someone who refuses to change.
