We all know at the deep center of our beings that relationships are important. We all strive, functional or not, healthy or not, to land ourselves in relationship with others where we feel known…. where we can be ourselves and know, the other person isn’t going to bolt at the first sign of conflict.
Unfortunately, life and relationships are messy. One way that our most valued relationships are sabotaged is through quiet anger. We may not even realize that we are quietly laying our anger out on other people and then one day, that person may not be around any longer. Some may see quiet anger as a useful tool; it helps you feel connect to those in your life, it helps you get your point across while avoiding conflict, etc. If you have not heard of the phrase, quiet anger, you may have heard it called, passive-aggressive behavior, playing both sides, sarcasm, etc.
At some point or the other, we have all either heard or said the following:
I was only joking. Geesh! Can’t you take a joke?!
That idea sounds like it might work
Wow. That dress looks good. It’s an interesting color.
Whatever -or- Fine
I thought you knew.
Oh, I didn’t know you meant now.
Ok, do what you want; I’ll be fine.
Calm down. I didn’t mean it that way.
Maybe you’ve been around someone who, instead of making statements will do this:
- Chronically forget appointments/task: The person who is asking you to remind them of their commitments because they have a “bad memory” or is consistently apologizing for missing a get together because they “forgot”. This person will say things like, “you know I have a bad memory”.
- Quietly refuses to follow-through on task/activities: The person who say’s they will clean the bathroom and three weeks later has yet to do so.
- Chronically late: The person whom you can count on to be late every time you get together.
- Completing a task but poorly or below expectations: Your child hands in a writing assignment on time but the handwriting is sloppy and illegible.
- Choosing to not do something that will cause consequences for someone else: Your teen deliberately not filling the gas tank knowing that the next person who uses the vehicle will need to make a stop, possibly making him/her late to their appointment.
If this sounds like someone you know, and/or maybe yourself, it would be safe to assume quiet anger is an issue. Webster’s Dictionary defines passive aggressive (or PA) as, “being, marked by, or displaying behavior characterized by the expression of negative feelings, resentment, and aggression in an unassertive passive way (as through procrastination and stubbornness)”. PA shows up in all walks of life: work, home, marriage, kids, friends, etc., and can leave a lasting ripple effect of pain and destruction.
WARNING: If you are sitting in your easy chair, reading this post and saying, “Man! This sounds so much like ______. I’m going to have to send this, so he/she will stop!” WAIT. STOP. Or maybe you are reading this, and you feel convicted by how much you relate and want to turn this off. WAIT. STOP. Take a deep breath and ask yourself, “are my relationships going the way I want them to?” If no, then stay tuned.
Next, we will discuss two key pieces in resolving quiet anger: How We Got Here & What I Can Do About It.
