I was sitting with a colleague of mine the other day discussing the number of couples that walk in and through our doors looking to either divorce or improve their marriage. As we generally discussed this, we discovered that there have been several who acted as if they were married while they were dating, noting the subconscious belief that the same general rules apply during dating as with marriage. It seems like a lot of people have started thinking about dating as if it’s the same thing as being married—or at least something really close to it. This dynamic seems to lead, down the road, to an impasse in the relationship where the couple wonders if they were too hasty in saying, “I do”. The couple seems to be at a spot where they wonder if separating is what’s best and struggle with the consequences of those choices along with the guilt of not ending the relationship during the dating stage.
Here are some key comparisons:
- When you are dating, you are discovering what characteristics you like, want, need in a partner. When you are married, you have a good idea of what you like, want, need in someone and have chosen the person that best fits. And I say “best fits” because no one person is perfect. We all have learning, growing, stretching to do.
- When you are dating, you can end the relationship at any time with little to no consequences. Commitment is minimal. When you are married, commitment is high and walking away from the marriage is complicated with many consequences.
- When dating, you are wearing rose-colored glasses where the other person almost seems perfect. The beginning phase of dating is wonderful to help develop a chemical attraction. Moving towards marriage and into marriage, the chemistry stays while the rose-colored glasses come off. For marriages to be healthy in the long run, it is key to clearly be able to see who your partner is (strengths & weaknesses) to see how well matched you are.
- When dating, you are discovering other people’s beliefs and values about life, love, relationships, future, kids, etc. When you are married, you are working towards accomplishing the same goals together.
- When dating, you are an individual with individual goals, hopes, dreams, etc. When you are married, you join your life with another. Genesis 2:24 says, “the two shall become one” meaning, the lives of two people become intertwined together-no longer separate but joined, learning to become interdependent.
It seems like we often are in a hurry to grow up and get on with our lives. This seems to be even more true when we date. Many date to the simply get married (and, for those of you who date just to have fun, this post is probably not for you). Walking into the first or even second date with the idea of “this could be the one” could be setting yourself up for relationship failure down the road. Or maybe you’re the person who has been wounded from your family of origin and you are just looking for someone to fill that hole inside you. Again, relationship failure is a high probability.
If this seems like you, here are a few tips to navigating through dating:
- Date through seasons. The person you are getting to know may behave differently through the winter than they do through the summer.
- Date through illness. Seeing how someone handles themselves when they are sick can tell you a lot about that person.
- Date with some questions in mind. Seek to understand the core values and beliefs about the person you are dating.
- Date with the understanding the other person has baggage as much as you do. We all have a walking wounded dictionary where we keep a record of the hurts in our life. Expecting and acknowledging this fact will help you navigate when you unexpectedly walk into one of those wounds.
- Date with the understanding that both trust and forgiveness is a process.
- Date with the awareness that this relationship is not permanent until you stand before God, family and friends and say, “I do”.
If you are married, how did you navigate through dating?
If you are dating, how are you navigating towards marriage?
