Some days, as a parent, you just want to sit. Sleep. Relax. You are exhausted. You think you just can’t take any more in. Life is overwhelming, frustrating, confusing. And then, in comes your beautiful child, beaming with energy and asking, “Can we ……?” and your response, “not today, honey”. Then, like a flash flood, you are hit with feelings of guilt at turning down your precious child, but your body is revolting against you, and you just sit. Not moving. The idea that I know I need to get up and interact with my child is far away from the action of getting up and interacting with my child.
Here’s the problem. Your child will not question your devotion or love for him/her when this occurs occasionally. In fact, it may even be helpful for your child to learn the importance of saying “no” in a relationship and setting limits. When this occurs frequently, it can set up a sense of insecurity in our kids. That insecurity then takes root and can impact the relationship long-term. Asking, “can we….” and being turned away sets up a feeling of rejection. Which left unchecked can grow into a nasty weed in a person’s life. At the root of that nasty weed insecurity is asking, “If I can’t trust that you will be there for me when I need you for play time, can I trust that you will be there for me when I really need you?”.
Often times, when it’s brought to light how deep this goes, the other person may attempt to minimize the feelings of insecurity and rejection by statements like, “What, so I can’t be tired?!” or “Seriously, I just needed some down time” or “Just because I didn’t want to play with you doesn’t mean I don’t care”. These statements, while true (yes, you are allowed to be tired, or take a nap or care), have more to say about me then the child. These statements say I am feeling defensive or attacked. Maybe the meaning of these statements is that I don’t know how to respond. Or maybe these statements mean that I am hurt that you are hurt and just want it all to go away. There are many meanings we can place on why I said what I said. Again, the point is that these statements speak about me, not my child.
REALITY
We are all running a hundred miles an hour attempting to live life. The number of responsibilities we have to carry out from day-to-day is exhausting for anyone to think about. No one is going to blame or not understand the need for some down time or time to just relax. Like it or not, we are not perfect but flawed humans. Mistakes are a part of life…. well, let’s be real. Mistakes are a part of life that we attempt to avoid and resist. However, if we truly look at and deal with our flaw-ness, then we can truly teach our children how to deal with theirs.
In order to do that, we need to ask ourselves one very important question:
Who do I want my child to be at 18 years of age, when they are considered an adult?
The answer to this question is our blueprint or guideline for how, when, and in what way we engage our kids. Let’s say that I want my child to be a secure adult who knows that I am there for him/her no.matter.what. If this is the case, then when I am approached with, “Can we….” then my response will be guided by my blueprint. Thus, it may sound something like, “Sure! How about in 10 minutes. I need to rest for just a bit” or “Ok. Can we do that over here? I had a super rough day today” or “Absolutely! Let’s do that for 15 minutes and then I need to sit for a while. I had a long day today!” or you get the idea.
There are times when we simply cannot engage our kiddos when they want. At that point, when it’s occasional (versus frequent), reminding them of their importance is what is key. Verbally stating instead of assuming our kids know we care goes a lot further in the development of our relationship with them.
There are also 3-Yes, only 3-magic words that heals wounds quickly. Those words are: I AM SORRY. There is only one trick with these magic words. They must be said with all sincerity. You will notice that at the end of these three words is a period, not the word but. If the relationship is important, sometimes, we are sorry and apologize not because we intended to hurt or cause pain but because saying “I’m sorry” brings sweet relief to the pain.
Next time you come home after a long hard day, ask yourself, “When my child comes up to me after I just sat down to relax to play, what’s my long-term goal?”
Oh! PS- Think this only applies to parents and children? Think again. Our spouses ask the same questions. After all, where do you think they learned it from??
