“Without you in my arms, I feel an emptiness in my soul. I find myself searching the crowds for your face – I know it’s an impossibility, but I cannot help myself.”
― Nicholas Sparks, Message in a Bottle
There are days when grief hits you without prejudice, without notice. It comes out of nowhere and shocks you to the core of your being. Shock overwhelms you like a tsunami. You even feel like you are in the twilight zone unable to place your feet firmly on this planet we call earth.
If you or someone you know you has ever been surprised by grief, then you are aware of the long road ahead. This is when grief becomes complicated and overwhelms anyone near it. Like a city that has been devastated by a natural disaster, the road back into life is slow, painful and what we consider “normal” needs to be redefined.
Some questions that may come from grief like this:
1. How do I continue with life when someone I love has been shocked by grief?
2. How do I deal with my pain, knowing my friend or loved one is experiencing something I can’t understand?
3. What does my friend or loved one need? How can I be there for him/her/them?
4. What do I say to my friend or loved one?
The difficult truth to most of these questions is that there is no perfect answer, if an answer exists at all. I was reminded of this fact recently as I had a friend go through a tragic loss. These questions flooded my mind and heart, and I found myself spontaneously breaking into sobs as I attempted to put myself in my friend’s shoes. At that point, I decided I truly couldn’t empathize with her pain, nor, I decided, did I want to. It was overwhelming to think about and painful to attempt to consider the depth of feelings that my friend was dealing with. My humanity flooded me, and self-perseverance kicked in with a shout of “keep going” and “don’t stop” messages for my life. The truth is these messages are true. I’ve got kids, a husband, responsibility. Then, the questions above really started to sink in…….
And I had to choose: Stay Stuck or Move Forward.
Moving Forward
- How do I continue with life when someone I love has been shocked by grief?
Realizing that continuing with life is not a slap in the face of the person who is grieving but a help to them seems uncomfortable. We want to believe that staying still and continuing with grief will benefit the person we care about, in addition to ourselves. The benefit we wish we could get is the one of not letting go of the person whom we lost. However, this is false, a façade, a mirage. Grief, while healthy, appropriate and natural needs to last for a season (*see caution below*).
One of the greatest gifts we can give our friend who is grieving is walking the thin line between allowing them time to grieve and helping them redefine normal.
- How do I deal with my pain, knowing my friend or loved one is experiencing something I can’t understand?
There is much to be said for having a variety of friends. We need a group of supporters, those who love us. Leaning on just one or two could potentially destroy the relationship (we are not created to carry burdens alone). To deal with your own grief, turn to your other friends, supporters. Emotionally, no one person can handle our suffering and pain. Having a few shoulders to cry on helps us in ways we may not even realize.
As I am able to deal with my grief, I will be better able to be there for my friend who is grieving much more deeply than myself. It is also helpful to remember that there may not be any answers to the torrent of questions that follow a tragedy. If this is the case, as it is with my friend, letting them know that it’s ok to ask questions and it’s ok to realize that there may be no perfect answers.
Sometimes the most healing thing we can do for a friend is nothing but to sit with them in the silence of their grief.
- What does my friend or loved one need? How can I be there for him/her/them?
Our natural instinct is to do something anything. However, doing may be the last thing that is needed. As stated earlier, the most healing thing we may be able to do for our friend is to sit with them. To help them realize that they are not alone because the one they lost cannot be replaced and has left a hole in their life. Being there, while doesn’t fill up that void, communicates that they are loved and not alone…. Did you catch that? Make sure they know they are not alone.
Practically, there may be needs meals, house cleaning, child care, financial management, etc. that needs to be addressed. Being available and being willing to sit with them will help show these needs.
- What do I say to my friend or loved one?
We all want to say something, just like we all want to do something. Knowing the right time to say something could be just as tricky as knowing what to say. Whatever you choose to say, remember to speak from your heart.
Here are a few suggestions of things you could say, when the time is right:
“I’m sorry for your loss”
“I’ll call you in a day or so and see how you are doing.”
“It is ok to be lost for a while.”
“You don’t have to have all the answers right now.”
“Grieving is a process.”
“I am here for you.”
“I wish I had the right words to say right now; just know I care.”
“You and your loved ones are in my thoughts and prayers.”
“If you need anything, please call at any time.”
Instead of saying anything, choose to simply give a hug. Simple action may speak volumes to the friend who is grieving.
What we have once enjoyed deeply we can never lose. All that we love deeply becomes a part of us. – Helen Keller
*Caution: The season of grief each person experiences are determined by that person. Stating that one person’s timeline for grief needs to be as long or short as another’s inappropriate. I wrote a post earlier in the year about dealing with grief, you can read that here.
